This is a repost from my Dreamwidth and LiveJournal accounts.  May or may not put it up on my website….

Transgender bullshit

(daven Feb. 20th, 2012 10:58 pm)

Okay, it should come as no surprise to those of you here on my blog that I’m transgender. I mean, I’ve ONLY been talking about it on my website and here for some time now.

And this whole thing brings up all kinds of issues for me. It’s not JUST the fact that going from one gender to another is hard enough, learning skills, mannerisms, mental processes that ciswomen have had from birth. It’s not just that you are killing an identity that you have had for your entire life. It’s not just that the people around you, the people you love, are going through a traumatic loss themselves….

Now I read that people who should be sympathetic are making it harder and harder every day to simply be yourself.

I don’t really have the words to express everything in my heart right now. I read Lupa’s post, then I read Elf’s post, and I read posts by others, all of whom have been at PantheaCon, who went and saw the behavior by “elders” of our community.

It’s hard enough going through this, and I can’t really explain it to someone who is not going through the same process. A part of me is dying, literally. I’ve intentionally chemically castrated myself, and as a result I don’t have any impulse to do anything sexual with anyone. I don’t fit in with one group, and I still don’t fit in with another either. Apparently now I’m never going to fit in with the group I want to be with. Every part of myself is saying “you are a woman”. Every other part is saying also, “no you really aren’t”. I have enough problems during this with my identity. I don’t need a bigoted “leader” who is so militantly feminist that she can’t even say “penis” telling me I’m not a “real woman”. I know that. What I need is acceptance and inclusion. I don’t need someone else making me “other”.

See, there’s already enough people out there making me “other”. Not male, not female, a “tranny”, a “shemale”, a “man in a dress”. I get looks from women on the bus. I get looks from men on the bus. I get called “sir”. I have people tripping over pronouns when speaking to and of me. “I have Joy on the line and they are going to take care of you now…”

To read that a leader of female spirituality is making me another “other”, makes me feel like Dr. Frankenfurter. And when I already feel like I look like that Transvestite from Transylvania….

Acceptance aside (honestly, a ritual for those who have uterus and bleed is not something I want to go to even if I passed 100% and had the vaginoplasty), knowing that there are those out there who are going out of their way to make me a different group absolutely disgusts me. It takes everything that we as women have been through and stomps on it. It makes the sacrifices of people like Duanna Johnson and the lady beaten at the McDonalds for using the bathroom just another day for us “trannies”.  It makes measures where I would have to show identification to use the bathroom look like something reasonable.

It means that Trans* people are still safe to discriminate against.  It means, that we will soon have our own waterfountains, pools and bathrooms, just like the Jim Crowe laws back in the 40’s. 

Someone might think it’s a good thing to segregate us into our own schools so we don’t “infect” those lilly white kids with our confusion.  It means that I become a non-person.

My wife has already lost her husband.  My daughter has lost her father.  May as well just go ahead and cut down the road on my arm and get it over with.  After all, with Reincarnation, I have no doubt that I’ll be reborn into the body I should have.  Then I won’t “infect” that woman ritual with my odious male presence, even when I have nothing that makes me male anymore.

Do you people who hate us, hate me, understand that I would give ANYTHING to be whole?  That I can’t wait for the technology to move to a point where uterine and ovarian transplants are possible?  That I would take ANYONE’s old uterus that they don’t want and have it implanted into me.  That I would literally give BOTH nuts to be a girl?  That I would willingly put up with the cramps, the bleeding, the flow and stains every month just to have the CHANCE to bear a child?  

And the irony here is that in a lot of ways, I think I would be a better woman than many out there. 

Now, like my last post on PantheaCon, I’m probably going to be accused of this post being filled with Male Privledge.  Which is also ironic. 

Take your male privilege, and your female privilege, and your cis privilege and shove it.  I don’t want any of it.

Just come kill me and get it over with Z.  You have already killed the progress I had made in my pride in being a woman.  May as well finish the job.